Somebody that I used to know

Do you ever have those nights where you toss and turn and wake up constantly with a thousand thoughts in your head & a particular song going round and round? I had one of those night last night. In fact I have them often - usually when my anxiety is at a high. Last night it was all about the days that I was/am preparing to face...

1. Today my son had his preschool Christmas party. Pretty normal, end of year celebration, right? WRONG!! This particular party did not just symbolise the end of another year. It was the final year that my last 'baby' will be attending preschool as he has just turned 5 and will be hitting primary school next year. Not only that, as I've mentioned previously he has additional needs so it's an extra tough transition time for us. But that is not all!! This preschool almost closed down last year & I was a part of a small group of parents who fought for it to remain open for 2012. We became a really close knit group of friends as all people do who have common interests at heart. We also became really close with the preschool teachers & organised some special gifts for them, so I knew the day was going to be a happy/sad occasion & yep, I was super anxious!! 

On the other side of that day, yes it was happy/sad & there were tears flowing, however I have a feeling tomorrow may be worse...

2. Tomorrow is my son's final day at preschool and the absolute last time I will see all of the wonderful teachers & set foot inside the wonderful preschool. It is his last day, but is also the last day for the preschool altogether. We did manage to save it for 2012, however, that was it & now it must close. A very sad end to a community icon & actually the very same preschool I attended 30 odd years ago. This time not so happy/sad - mostly sad/sad & yep, I'm anxious about that!!

If there's one thing I've discovered about myself this year & with huge thanks to the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation, it's that I'm an emotional eater/drinker & when my anxiety is at a high it is my big danger zone!!

3.This afternoon was difficult - nothing new with the hectic life I lead - teaching, running a household, trying to raise two happy & healthy children and particularly at this time of year - I know!! It was extra difficult because my 'ADDitional needs son' was extra wired up - party day, end of preschool looming, swimming lessons, mother on verge of her own anxiety meltdown, father working afternoon shift! 

So by the time 6pm came around I was not coping so well. It was lucky there was no wine in the house, because that would be gone. There were however, cheese and bacon rolls...3 times I picked one of those things up to put into my mouth & 3 times I put it back in the packet. At the time I actually felt like running out the door (taking flight - as you know I like to do), but as that was not doable with hubby at work and so, it was time to 'ride the emotional waves'! 

I must admit I was not strong enough to do this alone & before I took a bite of that cheese & bacon roll, I put an SOS out to some of the 12wbt peeps I have 'met' along the way and a number of them came to my rescue. I don't even know some of these ladies in 'real life', but in my 12wbt world they understand me & they were like my surfboard this afternoon - they kept me afloat while I rode that emotional wave of anxiety & got me safely to shore. Without their support today, I would've surely had a wipe out!

So a HUGE thank you to those lovely ladies. I hope I can repay the favour some time soon. 

I love so much this 12wbt family that I have found. Everyone has a story and that is what brings us together.

Sometimes I feel so alone & that no one else understands how things are for me, but this year I've found out that's not true. 

'Somebody that I used to know' (yes, that Gotye song is the one that was going round in my head last night), would've eaten or drank those emotions I felt today, but instead I got through it 'With a little help from my friends'.

xxx

One big roller coaster ride.

Yesterday was not great for me. Neither was the day before. I felt like I was in 'fight or flight' mode for a fair bit. 

On Tuesday afternoon when I got home late from work I was tired, exhausted actually, and the last thing I felt like seeing when I got home was a messy house, let alone to be asked by other family members "What's for dinner?" That day I took 'flight' and went out on a run to get away from what I thought was making me anxious. I only ran a short 3km distance, because I could not manage to run, breathe & cry all at the same time.

I had a big talk with my husband that night about stuff and told him I've been feeling anxious again lately. When he asked me why, I said that it was because I hate working & getting home & feeling like no one helps out, etc.

The next day (yesterday), I woke up full of hope & decided I would sign up to Michelle Bridges 12wbt Lean & Strong program. So I was on a high & so happy! That afternoon The same thing happened with me 'cracking it' about the messy house & having no help, however this time I did not take flight, I started to 'fight'. It was not good. So much came up out of me that I don't even know where it came from and I was scared. Very scared. All of a sudden I didn't know who I was. That is what scared me the most.

By some miracle, I then managed to get myself off to the gym to relax. Body Balance is my latest favourite class & every time I do it, my mind feels so clear & things don't seem so overwhelming. I often end up in tears during the meditation as I never feel so relaxed and able to take on the world again as in that final track of Body Balance class. My mind was calm again and I started to see my couple of days of meltdowns more clearly. 

Earlier that day I had read a good friend's blog post & it hit me...I don't know if I've ever really been honest before. Hey, I don't steal, or take drugs, or commit crimes, but I mean I don't know if I've ever really been honest to myself. There she was just baring her soul & laying everything out for her friends, acquaintances, heck total strangers to see. While here I am just living my life the same as I always do, often too scared to tell people about the real me & what I want out of life. Too scared to talk about what I feel. Not dealing with my emotions, just eating, drinking or running from them :( Living day to day, too scared to make big commitments or goals for fear of failure. 

I went home & I had started to see my earlier meltdowns differently. Time to be honest - they were no one else's fault. My reactions to the mess of the house went deeper than that. I started to look at all the things going on in my life at the moment and it's huge! Usual end of year stuff like everyone else, not to mention writing school reports & all that goes with that. But the biggest thing that is happening is that my baby boy is starting school next year and I feel like no one cares. Well, no one apart from my family. 

You see, he has been diagnosed ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) and no matter how much I've talked to the school about some extra transition, I feel like they're not listening, or that they think I'm a nutter! I've just about exhausted all avenues and I'm extremely anxious about how he's going to go, and that is obviously affecting my day to day life more than I realised! The truth was out. 

So today I woke up again full of hope, but things had changed. Because I could see that the untidy house was only surface level to my issues I could cope with it better. I went about my daily routine without a single meltdown. I smashed out my workout in my home gym and even met a friend to do our fitness test and set our new fitness goals.

Anyway, trying to stick with a 'theme' for this blog as suggested by my friend, so no posts = no anxiety meltdowns!

In the meantime here's my short version of my 12wbt commitments and 12 month fitness goals...

Aiming high!!

Run for your life

If you had have told me this time 10 years ago I would be a runner, I would've laughed in your face! In fact I probably would've lit up a smoke & said "Don't be so stupid! Get me another drink!"

Even If you had told me LAST year, that next year I would actually enjoy running - almost same response, except no smoking involved!!

Actually, even at the start of this year, at the beginning of my 12wbt journey, I had never planned on becoming a runner. It was not something I initially set out to do...it just happened!

I remember my first day of official exercise - I got my 10 year old joggers out of the cupboard. Pulled on my 5 year old trackie pants. Got hubby to put some music on my iPod (which I'd had for several years but NEVER used) and set off on a walk. The whole scenario made me terribly anxious...

1. I didn't like wandering around by myself - you never know who might be lurking!
2. I wouldn't be able to hear the 'lurker' (potential attacker) if they approached from behind due to the music blaring from my iPod.
3. What if a dog comes after me? (Long standing fear of being attacked by a dog)
4. I might be seen by people I know & they will probably think "OMG! What is she doing?" 
5. I'm going to get all hot & sweaty & will have to rush around to get everyone organised for school, etc when I get back. The list goes on....

However, the thing that actually got me OUT the door that day, was that my eldest son was starting school. It was to be his very first day of Kindy & I could not stand waiting around the house for it all to happen - so I left him with my husband & I took off!! It was the old 'Fight or Flight' in action. Big time! So my anxiety had actually helped me to begin my health & fitness journey.

I walked for about an hour that day, thinking about things and storming around in time to my music. I actually started to enjoy myself! That night I was exhausted, but the next morning was so much worse - my legs were in agony & I had the biggest blister known to man kind! Nevertheless, something had changed in me the day before. One of my anxieties had actually forced me to face many of my others. In taking flight to get away from the anxious wait of my big boy starting school, I had actually fought many other voices & 'what ifs' in my head - it was somehow empowering!

That second day (filled with my suddenly new found courage & empowerment) I decided I would walk again. It was raining, but I wore a hat. I had a shocking blister, but I taped it up. The DOMS in my legs was very bad, but I would power through it. There is a very steep hill around the corner from my house & yep, I was going to tackle it, DOMS, bad blister, rain & all!! And yes - I did it - nearly died - but yet again, that feeling of fighting my excuses & inner voices was unbelievable!

From then on I walked every day & every day the questioning, what-if voices seemed to get quieter. Every day I had new voices 'talking' to me. "Oh, there's so many people out exercising at this time of day." "Oh, look at all these people running!" "Oh the air is so crisp and clean at this time of morning." "Oh, I wonder if I could walk a bit further today?" "Oh, the sunrise over the river is beautiful!" "Oh, I am walking so fast in time to this music now, I wonder if I might be able to RUN?"

And. That. Was. It! In a few short days I had somehow decided I was going to teach myself to run!
Eek! Eek! Eek!

I followed Mish's learn to run program and set mini goals every time I went for a run. Just a bit further each day or just to one more corner, or up one more hill. The feeling of achievement was amazing & I was hooked!!

Since then, I have competed in a few fun runs. The first one was 2.5km & I got a bit teary when I actually finished the whole thing without stopping. After the second one (3km) I got a phone call on my way home from a friend telling me I'd come first in my age group & had won a gold medal!! My next one (5km) I smashed my PB & at my most recent one (5km) I came third in my age group - a bronze medal!! BLOODY UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I can run for longer times & distances these days & this sounds really strange, but the further I run, the easier it is!?! I know, right?! Weirdo!! But it's true! I trained for 10km during Round 2 of 12wbt this year & am currently not doing Round 3, but am on a new mission - to train for a half marathon!!! CRAZY STUFF! My furthest run to date is 12km.

Last week when I was out on my long run I was thinking again about how this whole experience has changed my life & one of the biggest things that's changed is not only this new running addiction, but the way I have fought my inner voices & running has been THE biggest contributor to this. Every time I step out that door to go for a run, I instantly smash so many of my 'what ifs' out of the way, just by taking that first step.

If you have been 'thinking' about taking your first step, maybe now you can start 'doing' it. Fight every negative voice with a positive. It is an ongoing battle, but I'm living proof that the more you face it head on, the easier it gets!

Take a breath, take your first step, and run for your life...

Rachel xx

Anxiety Girl

Hey...

I have been thinking about doing a blog for a while. Just thinking...and tonight I have finally decided to stop thinking and start doing!! You see, thinking is my problem. I think too much. I over think things...everything actually! It's called anxiety, & I have it :/

Whenever I feel I have this thing under control, up it comes...out of nowhere...to bite me...floor me...and it can be something so small that sets me off...something so silly, as most people would say, well at least that's what I think they would say!

Most recently I have had a feeling like people don't really know me & yes, you guessed it - it's making me anxious!! Constantly wondering what people are thinking about me & where I've come from. Feeling like they think I've had an easier journey than them, because I appear to be happy, confident, 'skinny' even! It's simply not true! 

My journey has been difficult. It IS difficult. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder in my later 20's, but as soon as I received this diagnosis I could pin point it from many years earlier. In my first year of high school I was physically sick for three weeks. I have been fighting it ever since...

I have had many 'episodes' - many! Too many to get into here, and many invisible to anyone else around me. But, I've finally decided that it's time to talk...for the benefit of others, but mainly & most importantly, for the benefit of me.

I don't want to rattle on about everything right now. Things will come out as they come to be. For those of you who know me well, a little, or not much at all - stay tuned...and...just breathe...

Rachel