On Tuesday afternoon when I got home late from work I was tired, exhausted actually, and the last thing I felt like seeing when I got home was a messy house, let alone to be asked by other family members "What's for dinner?" That day I took 'flight' and went out on a run to get away from what I thought was making me anxious. I only ran a short 3km distance, because I could not manage to run, breathe & cry all at the same time.
I had a big talk with my husband that night about stuff and told him I've been feeling anxious again lately. When he asked me why, I said that it was because I hate working & getting home & feeling like no one helps out, etc.
The next day (yesterday), I woke up full of hope & decided I would sign up to Michelle Bridges 12wbt Lean & Strong program. So I was on a high & so happy! That afternoon The same thing happened with me 'cracking it' about the messy house & having no help, however this time I did not take flight, I started to 'fight'. It was not good. So much came up out of me that I don't even know where it came from and I was scared. Very scared. All of a sudden I didn't know who I was. That is what scared me the most.
By some miracle, I then managed to get myself off to the gym to relax. Body Balance is my latest favourite class & every time I do it, my mind feels so clear & things don't seem so overwhelming. I often end up in tears during the meditation as I never feel so relaxed and able to take on the world again as in that final track of Body Balance class. My mind was calm again and I started to see my couple of days of meltdowns more clearly.
Earlier that day I had read a good friend's blog post & it hit me...I don't know if I've ever really been honest before. Hey, I don't steal, or take drugs, or commit crimes, but I mean I don't know if I've ever really been honest to myself. There she was just baring her soul & laying everything out for her friends, acquaintances, heck total strangers to see. While here I am just living my life the same as I always do, often too scared to tell people about the real me & what I want out of life. Too scared to talk about what I feel. Not dealing with my emotions, just eating, drinking or running from them :( Living day to day, too scared to make big commitments or goals for fear of failure.
I went home & I had started to see my earlier meltdowns differently. Time to be honest - they were no one else's fault. My reactions to the mess of the house went deeper than that. I started to look at all the things going on in my life at the moment and it's huge! Usual end of year stuff like everyone else, not to mention writing school reports & all that goes with that. But the biggest thing that is happening is that my baby boy is starting school next year and I feel like no one cares. Well, no one apart from my family.
You see, he has been diagnosed ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) and no matter how much I've talked to the school about some extra transition, I feel like they're not listening, or that they think I'm a nutter! I've just about exhausted all avenues and I'm extremely anxious about how he's going to go, and that is obviously affecting my day to day life more than I realised! The truth was out.
So today I woke up again full of hope, but things had changed. Because I could see that the untidy house was only surface level to my issues I could cope with it better. I went about my daily routine without a single meltdown. I smashed out my workout in my home gym and even met a friend to do our fitness test and set our new fitness goals.
Anyway, trying to stick with a 'theme' for this blog as suggested by my friend, so no posts = no anxiety meltdowns!
In the meantime here's my short version of my 12wbt commitments and 12 month fitness goals...
Aiming high!!
